i made this series of little quiltie cards with my grandma's jewelry. she gave all of her jewelry to me in december. i completed them a week before she passed and i never got a chance to show them to her. i'm really glad i'll have something i made in her memory.
right now i can honestly say i don't know how to deal with death. it has been a hard year with my uncle passing unexpectedly at the end of january and now my grandma. i took the first death really hard and now i just don't know what to feel. i haven't grieved much this time. actually i only cried outside the nursing home by myself the day she passed. i hadn't lost anyone close to me until this year. i've been trying to keep life as normal as possible...going out with friends and not thinking about it.
on wednesday my parents took me from school cause the doctors said she only had a couple hours left. my dad picked me up and we drove to see her. he said to me, "mom, is dying" and a rush of pain shot through me. i felt tears welling in my eyes. we arrived and i sat on the ground by her bed and grabbed her hand. that is when i lost it. seeing her there, breathing quickly. she seemed unresponsive and cold, but she wouldn't stop looking at me. i saw her take her last breath and it was something i had never experienced in my life. i broke down. she wouldn't suffer anymore. i turned to my parents. one of the things i hate the most in life is seeing my parents cry. my mom left the room and i watched my dad. my heart broke. his brother and his mom both gone within 3 months. i couldn't stay there and see him like that so i left and went outside. i had to get out of that place. i needed to be strong for my parents and i haven't shown emotion since.
it'll take time, i know. and i know i will deal with it when the time comes. i think back to march when my grandma's health was progressing and she was getting well. she told me she wanted to come to my graduation and see me go to prom. i know she won't actually be around, but i know she'll always be here watching from a better place...in a place with my uncle where she won't suffer...in a place where her infectious laugh will take over and make everyone smile just as she did for me.
alex and i took a mini road trip to the dunes in michigan yesterday and it was perfect. the breeze, the sunshine, the view, driving with the windows down, spring break oh10 playlist, sunglasses, the kite flying, food, feeling disconnected for a bit. it was beyond lovely. we designated "our spot" on one of the dunes looking out onto the lake with a little ritual. it was so nice to get away and soak up some rays. the weather these past two days has made me oh so happy.