journal entry from 1.24.09

i am broken and empty.

this weekend i found out i am broken and empty. i had an indescribable experience and was overcome with emotion that i had kept inside for far too long.
this weekend i felt something i had never felt before.
this weekend i made new friends. i sat alone in silence. i was no longer intimidated.
this weekend i cried with sadness and with joy.
this weekend i laughed so hard i cried.
this weekend i had an extremely slap happy night.
this weekend i ate too much candy and ordered a late night pizza that was completely unnecessary. i sang with true feelings. i loved wholely.
this weekend i played intense dodge ball and roughed it for a day.
this weekend i survived without the internet and stayed up way too late.
this weekend i was cold, but warm on the inside.
this weekend i found something that had been missing. i found You.
this weekend i slept in my clothes and i listened to the silence.
this weekend i ate jello and shockers, but not at the same time.
this weekend i was me and i found the me on the inside. i took a nap for the first time in a long time and it felt so good.
this weekend i had fun.
this weekend i learned, i pondered, i read, i understood, i contemplated, and i was unsure all at the same time.
this weekend was real.

His mysterious ways

So recently I have been working on my relationship with God. I have asked Him into my heart to take control of my life. I want to live my life for Him and I am slowly starting to notice His presence in my everyday life. Today I wrote in my journal about why I have been feeling so unsure lately. I found out that I worry too much about things that are not a problem in my life at the moment. I wrote on and on about my worries and I saw that most of them were trivial and stupid. It was good to get it on paper and notice that. I wrote how on Saturday night I was out with Cooper. We were sitting on a bench downtown. We were both quiet, listening to the cars pass and looking up at the stars. Then there was me on the inside...worrying...unsure about my life when I could be sitting there enjoying being there with him. Enjoying the fact that we can sit in silence, his arm around me, feeling happy. After writing all this down, I concluded that the word unsure would not be a part of my vocabulary anymore. I also decided to stop all the worrying.

Here is part of my entry:

Unsure. I hate you. Goodbye unsureness. We are SO over!

Then I put my journal away and went on checking the blogs I like and this is what I found over on shutter sisters. Today's post is about worrying. ....................................................................................... (this is me...speechless)

I am noticing God's ways. I am noticing His presence in my life. I am noticing how much He is there for me. I am noticing how much I want to live for Him.