Monday, February 1, 2010

Today I was good at keeping my head down and avoiding eye contact. My uncle passed away unexpectedly yesterday. It hit me so hard and fast. I had never lost anyone close to me before. I cried beyond blubbering and laid in the dark. I had just seen him on my visit a month ago…talked to him six days ago.

Today at school was such a weird feeling. I decided to go to keep my mind off of it. I had some mini breakdowns on the inside but I stayed strong for my parents and me.
Today I was hurting so much on the inside and all around me I saw my peers laughing and smiling with absolutely nothing wrong…not thinking about death or grieving.

Today people asked the ole "how was your weekend?" question expecting the obligatory response of "good" or "fine". The response that immediately came to my mind was "my uncle died" before I uttered an "ok" and moved on.

Today I felt broken and empty.

Today I felt my heart truly ache.

Today everything is going to change for my family, but I just have to stay positive and look for the good.

He would want that for me.

5 comments:

Bleubeard and Elizabeth said...

I'm so sorry to hear about your loss, Kayla. What strikes me as odd is that you can share your pain and loss with your cyber friends, but not the kids at school. Makes some high school friendships a tad bit artificial, doesn't it?

Jess said...

hey girl. i am so sorry to hear this. i will be praying for you. i know what you mean with the whole sitting back and seeing everyone laugh and carry on as if their world is fine. its ok. to be hurt. as over used as this phrase is.. everything does happen for a reason. things will get better for you. im here if you ever need to talk.
hugs
xo

Pearl said...

i'm so sorry to hear about this, beautiful. you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.

Ashley said...

I've never commented on your blog, ever, but I've been a long-time reader. I'm sorry about your loss. I know it feels right now that everyone else is happy, and you'll feel jealous because they're not hurting as much as you are. You'll also wonder when the hurting will end. It gets a little, tiny bit easier each day. I sent up a prayer for you. Don't be afraid to breakdown, your heart needs it sometimes.

danilouwho said...

aww, sweets. I'm sorry to read this. When I was 17 and right before my senior year, my uncle passed away and I remember how heavy and painful it all was. And how strange that the world kept going on.
It was one of the only times growing up that I wished I wasn't such an old soul... that I had a thought process more like everyone else my age.

I'm thinking of you.